MARITAL COMPATIBILITY: ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS


You see, the truth is two people may be good as individuals but may not be good for each other in marriage based on certain critical factors which a trained marriage coach or counselor can show you in counselling sessions and with the help of some great assessment tools or questionnaires. It is good to be very honest with the evaluation at the onset so you don't suffer down the road.

You may have "feelings" for a person but that person may not be right for you. So you may have to let them go. You can remain very good friends who help each other in wholesome ways on a platonic level and you do not have to get intimate. You may even have to let go of certain external benefits so you can go for true inner value.

You see, when you see a person you like, or you are attracted to, you should ask yourself some deep questions, such as: who is this person really on the inside? What's their personality, temperament and character like? What's their life philosophy and worldview? What are their core values and beliefs that influence the way they behave and respond to situations? Who are they when they are angry? What can they do at their worst? How do they manage conflict? Are they willing to learn and share with others, or are they just about themselves and their pretty goals? Are they improving themselves every day to become better versions of themselves? Am I the best person for them? Are they the best person for me? Can we bring out the best in each other? Can I trust them with my vulnerabilities and weaknesses? Are they loyal and kind? Are they emotionally stable and secure? Are they mature enough for this level of trust? Do they have the capacity for such elevated commitment? Are they honest with their weaknesses? Can I trust them with my life? Is this fluffy feeling not based on their appearance or means, my own fantasized ideals or someone's expectations of me? Is the feeling not superficial and maybe even selfish? I want them but do I need that kind of person in my life? Do they need my kind of person in their life?
Yes, you must ask real hard questions: can I add real value to this person's life? What do they want? What are their needs? Can I meet them? How will they appreciate it when I do? How will they communicate that appreciation? Will we have a true connection? Do we understand each other's communication code? Do I really love them? Do I respect and admire them? Is this really about me and what I want? What is it about them I like? Can I see their true value? If something happens to them, will I still love them? Will I commit to them against all odds? Can I always be there for them when they need me? Are they too needy? Do they really love me for me? Will they be there for me? Am I going to break their heart? Do I honestly desire to spend the entire days of my life with this one person? Do I know them enough to make that decision? Do I care strongly enough about them to take the calculated risk? Am I willing to honor and serve them? Can we build a strong authentic relationship together? Are we in the same space, psychologically? Are there cultural prejudices we have to honestly deal with? Can we talk about anything and everything? Can we be totally open and transparent with each other? When our opinions differ completely or they're not in agreement with my decision, how will we handle it? If they're now in my life, and after all the emotions or feelings have faded, then what do we have in common, apart from the attraction? And, futuristically speaking, after we've finally had the sex, what next?
 
Premarital coaching and counseling will help drill down to the core. So it's not just about us getting the person we want but about us knowing what we want and wanting what we know about them. Basically, knowing we are right for them and that they are right for us, and then making the commitment to each other to make it work, no matter what happens (there should be no commitment or "promising" to marry, when one is not ready). That we will put no external party above the two of us in this union. That we will be honest and loyal and would not betray ourselves. That we would give no room for infidelity of any sort whatsoever. That we will be accountable to each other. That we would be sympathetic and empathize with each other. That we will help and support each other, where each person needs help the most. That we will take responsibility for understanding and meeting each other's needs, as companions for life. That we will also grant each other space, alone time as an individual, allowing each other to be our selves, pursuing our dreams and becoming all we can be.

To conclude, it's better to be non-committal friends first and get to know each other better; there's no need to rush. As a general rule of thumb, if in doubt, please wait. Then, after a relatively sufficient time that would have tested your love for each other under different scenarios and situations, whilst carrying out different tasks together, going places together, asking the right questions and going through comprehensive counseling, you can make an informed decision in all sincerity and with mutuality, two of you being on the same page in understanding and commitment. 

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