MARRIAGE: THE HIGHEST HUMAN RELATIONSHIP

Marriage is covenant. Marriage is the highest form of human relationship. Next to God, is your spouse, not your father, not your mother, not your siblings and certainly not your friends. We must not be in such a hurry to get married. We must understand marriage in God's context because He is its creator and originator. It was His idea: "two are better than one, and it is not good for a man to be alone". Marriage is a lifelong bond. It is a covenant with a lifetime companion of one's own choosing. It should be preceded by due diligence and engaged with all honesty, truthfulness and authenticity.

So first, be whole, happy and secure as a single person. Then, understand what marriage is, understand your role as a husband or wife, and understand your potential spouse to ensure you two are compatible and will make a good match not an unequal yoke. When a cat pairs with a dog, it wouldn't understand why the dog is barking because it can only meow, but God made the dog to bark and the cat to meow. Nothing wrong with dog, nothing wrong with cat, but everything wrong with the pairing, the "coupling" of incompatibles. Marriage should be a coupling of compatibles.

Therefore, know yourself first, be comfortable with and confident in who you are, know your vision and values and where you're likely headed in life, then you will see more clearly to identify who you need to be with for the rest of your life (and that's a pretty long time!) and who you need to journey through life with: a compatible soulmate, an optimal teammate, a companion for life. Because the greatest frustrations in life come from not being able to be you and do you. Plus, life is already full of challenges, so don't make it harder for yourself by journeying with a wrong teammate, someone you don't understand, who doesn't understand you and with whom you're not headed in the same direction. Truth be told, many people don't feel valued and appreciated in their marriages, and it's because people can't deeply and consistently value and appreciate what they don't understand or connect with.

Love is more than a feeling, it is a perpetual decision to be benevolent, to serve, honor, help, care for and do good to a person, irrespective of what they do or don't do. Jesus said to even love enemies. True love is of God, and the closer we are to God, the easier it is for us to love people, at least from a distance. But marriage is the closest bond, so true love must be present, as a minimum.

Love is loyalty, at its best. It never does evil against another, always seeks the good of another, always helps, adds value, tolerates, accepts, trusts, enhances, blesses, improves, forgives again and again, is kind and merciful, honorable and peaceful, irrespective of the conditions. Love may also be felt. There is a feeling of love, benevolence, compassion, empathy, honor, joy and goodwill towards a person. However, that feeling can be highly erratic and is subject to moods and circumstances, thus must never be the foundation of any long-term or worthwhile relationship.

So beyond the decision and the feeling of love, there must be authentic, down-to-earth, homegrown, organic friendship (that's how I like to put it). As with success in life, it is not sufficient to have a great natural talent, you must apply diligence and principles to make your life successful and sustainably so. Also with marriage, love must be present but is never sufficient to sustain it, you must apply due diligence, prayers, personal growth, and the principles of relational success such as trust, honor, communication, honesty, vulnerability, forgiveness, acceptance, humility, teachability, care, giving, service, value creation, cooperation, commitment, vision sharing, etc. In marriage, heart, mind, soul and effort must be continuously engaged.

Let me conclude it this way: from my interaction with people over the years, I've discovered that not everyone has great or significant capacity for true love and true friendship (most of what is seen as love or friendship is based on conditions that are subject to change). The cause for this deficit may be from a past painful experience, background or upbringing, genetically coded temperament, character or mindset conditioning (from exposure to a culture that promotes sub-optimal relational awareness or skill), level of personal development, and individual psychological or spiritual maturity. The good news is that this capacity can be developed or increased with a heartfelt and deliberate decision for personal growth. Indeed, it can evolve with maturity over time as long as there is exposure to the right factors of personal growth and psychological or spiritual maturation such as an authentic (not perfect or pseudo) walk or relationship with God that engages prayer and the Word, as well as the pursuit of wholesome knowledge and associations that make for continuous improvement.